It's been a long road....

But the end is in sight (only for another beginning...I'll get to that in a minute...)

A year ago I sat in our formal IEP meeting surrounded by 11 people. Some on "my team" some part of the new team and administrators from his new school. It was the kindergarten transition meeting. After introductions, they turned the meeting over to me to introduce myself and provide my concerns. I began my little speech about how I wanted it ON THE RECORD that I thought it was insane that we were being forced to put Joshua into Kindergarten even though he could really have benefited doing a transitional K program. See, he turned 5 the same week Kindergarten started (he's year round school starts in July). I fought them on this but once they meet the age cut off they had to move into kindergarten or fore-go services. We couldn't afford for him to lose a year of services. But I wanted an official statement in the minutes recording my displeasure with this. The minute I had to open my mouth and really advocate for Joshua and the reality of the situation I couldn't help but sob. Of course, they were polite and acknowledged the issue but nothing they could do so we need to move on...blah blah blah.

Typical IEP meeting proceeded where I said I know my kid he needs this and they said, no not really he needs this, oh we don't do that but he needs that...back and forth back and forth until somehow an agreement was made and Joshua's Kindergarten IEP was finalized. Then the reality hit a month later....he had to actually GO to kindergarten.

I tried to tell them that transitions would be hard and separations would be difficult. The first two weeks Joshua was a saint at drop off, heck he even looked like he was enjoying himself....and everybody was like "see we told you not to worry..." But I knew my son and I knew that the minute he realized this was an EVERY.SINGLE.DAY thing the honeymoon would be over. About two weeks in the tears started. Carpool was no longer a breeze....he refused to get out of the car. I looked to others for help on how I should handle this. Most days I had to drag him into school and listen to his plea's for saving. I cried most days too. I knew it was just the beginning. Most people probably just saw an over protective mom and tried to reassure me that he'll be fine he'll get used to it. They didn't understand that my tears were something deeper because I understood the truth of the situation, he wouldn't get used to it not for a very very long time and I knew I could not listen to him scream every day. I didn't have the emotional capacity to bear the burden. I'm a sensitive person as it is and mama bear instincts come out pretty quickly.

Well, since me walking Joshua into school every day and listening to him scream and him willingly getting out at car pool was not going to work I needed to get creative. So we signed Joshua up for before school care held at the school by the Raleigh parks and rec. This meant for a longer day for Joshua but it also meant a transition time of play before school work started. Also, it meant Matt would drop him off on the way to work instead of me. He still cried when dropped off and had issues but I wasn't there to hear it therefore his cries were not drilled in my head the rest of the day. Also he wasn't crying in front of all his classmates, there were kids there but it was a small group and a spectrum of kids from all grades. It took most of the year but this past month or so drop offs have gone remarkably well and we are happy with the situation.

He finishes Kindergarten in 4 days and then has a week off and then we begin our first grade journey. I think this transition will go much better. But I'm sure the year will bring many more ups and downs but I know I have watched a boy grow so much over the past year that I can say with pride and adoration that Joshua is ready for first grade. The only tears I cry now are those of heartfelt pride. The key to his success lies in the support of his therapists and resource teachers at school and we were so blessed with an amazing teacher and TA who has just loved Joshua all year and made sure that he succeeded.

Now I think it's time to plan a MNO and take a deep breath and have a few drinks...

I've always known that Meds were good....

At least for me, meds have been a godsend. You do not want me off my meds it is a bad bad thing.

Well we started Joshua on meds 1 1/2 years ago and it's been good and bad but little improvements over time. Well we decoded his Current medication was not doing enough so we made the decision to change his meds again. We went to his doctor and agreed to try vyvanese.

Well I went into day one cautiously optimisic and I noticed he was leas hyper but didn't do cartwheels just yet.
It's day 2 and if I could do cartwheels I would. Today has been amazing and I'm still cautiously optimistic but it was a very promising day.

First one of his best friends was over this morning and he was not hyper and stayed engaged and had a blast playing video games together.

Well the most amazing thing happened while I wasn't at home. Today matt told Joshua to put the game controller down and come have lunch. Wait for it........
Without a tantrum, meltdown or even a whiny complaint he put his controller down and went to the table. He politely asked daddy how much he needed to eat before he could go back and play. Matt told him all of it. And he did. This is amazing eating battles are a nightmare and stopping him from doing something he loves never goes well. Not only did he eat all of his food he then politely asked to be excused. Whose child is this and can I keep him.

Again I remain cautious and hope this lasts. But today I say loud an proud...meds are good and it's a family thing :)

The noise noise noise noise

Some days I wonder who has the sensory issues...maybe it's me...because the constant noise drives me crazy. I long for our school days to resume so the house can be quiet for a few hours a day. My kids are non-stop talkers. Be quiet please.

In the car is the worst. Here is the conversation that took place yesterday while I was driving.

I'm on the phone with my sister trying to talk to her over the kids yapping in the background. I must have made a comment to Tammy about something being stupid.

Joshua: Mom...mom....MOM....MOM....I have something to tell you....

Me: I'm on the phone...be quiet.

Joshua: It's really important!

Me: What is so important.

Joshua: You said Stupid.

Me: Sigh, sorry.

Emily: Mom...mom....mom.....

Me: (Still trying to have a conversation with Tammy) Exasperated I loudly say "WHAT!!!"

Emily: Joshua said Stupid...

Me: silence. Back to my conversation with Tammy

Joshua: Mom...mom....Mom......I need to tell you something important...

Me: WHAT?!?!?!??!?!??!?!?!

Joshua: Emily said stupid....

Rinse, Repeat, continue....Gun to my head and pull trigger!

The questions and comments are non stop all day... Mom, Joshua's hurting me....Mom, Emily's being Annoying, Mom Joshua is annoying me....Mom, can I have your phone, Mom can I play video games, mom can I have a snack, mom can I...Can I....Can I.....

Or when they ask something and I say no.... JOshua's new thing he does in the most whiny voice ever...."But whhhhhhhyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy"

Sigh....


To end a few random funny things my kids asked in the last 24 hours...

On the way to bed last night Emily asks out of the blue: "dad can I have a tv in my room"

Today, Joshua runs to daddy and says "Dad can you build me a computer?"

Daily Mantra: The days are long but the years are quick....the days are long but the years are quick...the days are long but the years are quick....thank god the years are quick (just kidding...I really do love my kids just not the noise).

Summertime

So two 1/2 weeks ago Joshua tracked out and Emily had her last day of preschool. The first week was a breeze with the kids. It didn't hurt that we spent the week in Myrtle beach with my parents. The last week and a half have been hellish. I'm fine with one or the other one at home but put them together for a few weeks all.day.long and it's constant whining, bickering, tattling and crying. (the crying is mostly me ;))

I have went out of my way to keep the kids active and do fun things with them. But I'm ready for Joshua to go back to school next Monday. Sadly, Emily is stuck with me until July 11. I found a summer camp for her from 9-1 Monday through Fridays. She will start in july and go until mid august. Six glorious weeks with mornings all to myself. I am counting down  the days. 

I love my homeschool buddies and I am most definitely surrounded by them. However I can't for the life of me figure out how you spend day in and day out with your kids without blowing your brains out. 

Am I the only parent who looks forward to sending my kids away daily :p. 

Am I really the expert here?

Am I really the expert here regarding my son? I keep reading these posts and blogs and IEP helpful resources that say you are your child's advocate and you are the best expert about your child. God, I hope not. That in itself is a scary thought because if I'm the expert he is really screwed. Yeah, I can point out all of his crazy behaviors, his weaknesses, and his short-comings but I have no idea what to do about them or how to fix them or if we need to fix them or why he does and doesn't do certain things. So please stop looking at me for answers. I really don't have any.

Joshua gets dropped off at school during the before school program ran by the community center. We started doing this to give him a chance to ease into school instead of being dropped off and immediately sent to class to begin morning work. This way he gets to go in and play games and if he's going to meltdown at least it's not in front of all his class mates.

For the most part, Joshua behaves pretty well at school. He listens and follows directions. Right now, I felt that our biggest problem was the stupid potty accidents (see I can't go a single post without mentioning it).

Until the phone call last week.....the lady who is in charge of the before care program calls. They have been really great with Joshua. However, it turns out Joshua has been having a few issues. Here is how the conversation went.

Lady: Joshua has been withdrawing from the group play and going over to sit by himself and not particating.

Me: He has autism.

Lady: he's been trying to run out the door into the hallway.

Me: He has autism.

Lady: When it's time to line up to go to class he runs around the cafeteria like it's a game and doesn't listen.

Me: He has autism.


Look, I'm not using autism as an excuse here. I get it these are new behaviors that you are seeing during your time with him. I know he has not done these things in the past and other than melting down during drop off he's always been pretty good about participating and listening. But these are the behaviors we see at home. My guess is he is starting to feel really comfortable and acting out. I have no answers for you. I haven't figured out how to deal with these issues at home so I don't know what to tell you. sorry.

Joshua's annual IEP meeting is next week. I know I'm supposed to get prepared. I have his current progress reports and his current goals. I have no idea what to expect for first grade or what services I should be fighting for. I have a feeling most of our IEP meeting will be about his potty accidents. And they will be looking to me for answers and all I will be able to say is...

He has Autism.

So to end, I am pleading can someone else please take over the role as expert because I clearly suck at it.

I would like to thank the academy....

My friend Jen who has an AWESOME blog gave me my first blog award. :) I would like to thank the academy of bloggers for this prestigious award. :) Of course, I would like to thank my son for the inspiration for my.....wait....what? Oh, it's a blog award but there's no trophy or money? Oh...nevermind. On to the rules....

1. Thank the person who awarded you and link back to them in your post.
2. Tell 7 Random facts about yourself.
3. Pass the award on to 15 new found bloggers.
4. Contact each blogger you want to pass the award on to and let them know you’ve done so,

Thanks Jen you rock. :) I do feel very special now. You do inspire me to keep a blog and although I try to be witty, your blog is so much funnier.

1. I met my DH online back in 1996. We are still married, not going strong but going ;).

2. I am in love with Matthew Macougnahay (sp?) I'm too lazy to look up the correct spelling. I should learn it if we are going to get married one day.

3. I have lost 50# since June 2010.

4. I love to scrapbook and I'm pretty good at it if I do say so myself.

5. I love to travel and start planning my trips in January. We are going to Myrtle beach, Maine, Indiana (twice) and the western Caribbean. (again the spelling)

6. I'm addicted to the internet (duh!)

7. Most people like me? right?

15 bloggers? really? really? Hmmmm......

I guess it doesn't count to throw it back at Jen ;).

Lola, she makes the best jewelry and deserves an award. http://autismlovehope.blogspot.com/

I'm a rebel. I break the rules. I only got one. :)

Okay that's it for now. I'll be back later to brag about my son's first tooth that fell out. Yay. :)

Okay enough with the potty mouth

I know the last thing you want to hear about is more potty issues. But hey this is my life right now. Joshua needs to stop having accidents for my own insanity. I can deal with the meltdowns, the biting, the refusing to eat dinner or any resemblance of a healthy meal.

No Joshua, gummy bears are not a power food.

BUT I can NOT deal with potty issues. I hate potty training. I've been working with his resource teacher, OT, and teacher at school we are trying to combat the potty issues. They have created a log sheat so I have detailed information when he does have an accident other than just a bag of clothes sent home. They also have a schedule of when he is going to be told to go to the restroom. Great. However, he has refused to go when they tell him to and can not force him to the restroom. The other day they were telling him he needed to go try to use the potty and he sat in his chair refusing and then he wet his pants. *BANGING HEAD AGAINST WAll*

At home he has accidents. I kind of threw my hands up in the air last night after yet another accident. I told Joshua "I don't know what to do, I don't know why you are having accidents, what can I do to help you stop having accidents"

These were more rhetorical questions, not expecting an answer but yet he gives me one.

Let me stop going to school and I won't have accidents. At that point I just had to walk away.

A few minutes later I went back to the bathroom. He was taking a bath and I sat down to talk to him. I explained how the bladder works and how you get that sensation when you have to go and does he get that and he was like yeah. Then I asked him why don't you go to the bathroom. He says I don't want to stop or I'm focused on something. (paraphrased)

I then ask well doesn't it feel uncomfortable to sit in wet pants?

His answer was no. I reworded the question 100 different ways to make sure he understood what uncomfortable meant and well he does. He says he likes sitting in wet pants and it is comfortable.

All I can say now is HELP. I don't know how to work with this. Does anyone out there understand? Any Advice? Any light at the end of the tunnel?