All I want for Christmas....

Okay I admit it. I am one big kid at Christmas time. I can't wait for Christmas morning to get up and open all my presents. Even though I know a lot of what my family has gotten me I still get excited. This year we are going to my family's house for Christmas. We are leaving Tuesday evening and won't be back until January 3rd. I love visiting my family it is so much fun. I plan on getting a lot of "girl" time with my mom and sister. Going out shopping, having lunch and hanging out together.  The nice thing is Matt is so super when we are visiting my family. He lets me come and go as I please and doesn't mind taking care of the kids the majority of the time. It is my vacation from my job as a sahm. :) So I'm sure you can see why I'm so excited. :)

We recently switched Joshua's medications and part of me was what was I thinking right before the holidays to play with his meds but is there ever a good time to do that. I'm torn. I can't tell if they are helping or making things worse or about the same time. He is definitely more engaged during the day and not so to himself which is good. Regardless, he can act how ever he wants during the holiday break. I'm not going to worry about it.


I keep asking the kids what mommy should get for Christmas and Emily insists that I want a glue stick and glitter and Joshua insists that I want the new Lego Indiana Jones game for the xbox. It's nice how well my kids know me. Of course matt asks me what I want for Christmas and he's clueless even though I gave him specific things I wanted. Heck, Eliz my mary kay lady and friend is holding stuff aside for "me" and matt just has to go next door and talk to her.


To all my friends and family and strangers who may read this blog, I hope you have a happy, healthy, blessed Christmas and New year. :)

No one said it would hurt this much

When I got pregnant with Joshua we were ecstatic. We dreamed of all the happy days of playing and discovering and enjoying the spirit of a child.  Everybody told us how blessed we would feel and how much joy children bring. Nobody told us about the heartache and pain that comes with raising a child. I never knew I would worry this much. I've only had Joshua with me for 5 years and I can already tell that it won't matter if he's 5 or 85 the worry will never end.

He started kindergarten a few months ago. It started out well enough the first two weeks, he walked in no problems, no tears and no tantrums. I knew in my heart this would not last. Yet, I remained hopeful that everything I knew about my son changed. Unfortunately, my heart was right. Once he realized this whole school thing was ongoing the tantrums and fear took over. No longer were the morning drop offs easy. No longer did he walk in without a second glance. He refused to get out of the car and I had to start walking him in. I would get him to class and he would completely breakdown as I would leave. I could hear him screaming for me all the way down the hall. What's a mother to do except shed tears. Hearing the pain and fear in his voice and knowing that I had no choice but to walk away was excruciating. It doesn't matter that everyone assures me that he is okay within a few minutes and the rest of his day is good and his work is good and he participates. All I remember is those few minutes where he's pleading, screaming, crying for his mommy not to leave. I've been dealing with this for 3 weeks now and my heart breaks every single day. All I want to do is just take him in my arms and sit down with him and cry with him.

We signed him up for before school so he could go in about an hour early and play before class started. He cries when we drop him off but at least he's not breaking down in front of his entire class and when class is ready to begin he is adjusted and calm and walks from the gym to his class with no problems. The other positive is Matt takes him on the way into work. I know my heart can't handle hearing him cry every single day.

It has carried over to other parts of his life. Now when I go out occasionally in the evenings, which I have always done and it's just part of our family routine he has meltdowns because I'm leaving. One night Matt said he cried for over 20 minutes before he could get him to calm down. I try dropping him off at Sunday school, something he's always been accustomed to and he breaksdown as I leave.

I worked in his sunday school class room yesterday and I have never really watched him in a classroom setting because I don't want to disrupt his routine. The entire time I just watched him and analyzed everything he did. I noticed how quiet he was and I could see the uncertainty in his eyes. During part of the class there was a video where it encouraged participation like stand up and jump with us. At first Joshua stood up to participate and about half the class was participating and half stayed seated. He looked around and saw that some stayed seated and he sat back down again. I notice everything about his behavior and that is not a good thing. Maybe that's why I don't participate and volunteer in his class because by the time I leave my heart is in a million pieces again.

No one said it would be easy. But no one said parenthood would hurt this much.

Sign my petition to outlaw balloons :)

It's Saturday and Matt being the madman that he is signed up to cycle 67 miles in some sponsored event somewhere. I don't pay much attention to details. Sorry honey. So that left me alone with the kids. I should have just bunkered down in the house and let the day slip by but NOOOOOO.....I decide to take the kids to Mcdonald's to see the fire truck and eat lunch and get a free ice cream cone. Sounds simple enough right :P.  Nothing is ever simple when it comes to my two kids. We saw the fire truck. The fire man didn't have much personality but hey he runs into burning buildings, who am I to nitpick. Plus it was really really hot so kudos for being out to entertain kids.

We went inside mcd's and had lunch. Well I ate lunch the kids just stared at their food while they played with their toys. I'm in a decent mood at this point and I"m like oh the hell with it yes you can still have ice cream. I got ten minutes of quiet while they ate ice cream and I browsed the internet. I love my iphone. Well on the way back to the car they were handing out balloons at the fire truck. Having a complete lapse of common sense I let the kids each have one. Of course they way they were cutting the balloons out of the bunch left very little string. About 1 foot long. We secured the balloons on each child's wrist. Everybody is happy.

I think okay I can run into walmart to pick up my photos. It's a quick errand no browsing just get my photos pay and run. The kids wanted to take their balloons with them. I cave and figure they are secured to their wrists they should be fine. We get into walmart (which I despise and never ever go to unless I have a very good reason) unfortunately, I didn't have a good enough reason to deal with the following. I usually get my photos printed at Walgreens but decided I wanted to see a Luster finish v. a glossy finish so I sent my prints to Walmart. I assumed that the photo center would be at the front of the store...wrong...I trek all the way back to the store, stopping every couple of seconds to threaten my children if they don't start listening. Emily fails and I have to strap her in the cart. Commence crying. I make it back to the counter and the lady is just standing there at a back counter. She looks up at me occasionally and I really want to be a smartass and get her attention but I kept my mouth shut and waited patiently for her to come up and help me. She hands me the photos and I was like can I pay for them here and she looked bothered by this but whatever I was not going to STAND in another line with my kids. So I check out and then I hear Joshua wail, "MY BAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLOOOOOOOOOOOOON"

Crap...the balloon is at the ceiling. No hopes of recovery. So I'm just trying to get out of the store with my sanity. I have emily and joshua now crying with constant wailing from Joshua about his balloon. we get to the exit and the crazy greeter lady asks if they want a sticker. I wanted to say Are you kidding me? Can you not hear them? But I just said no thank you and bolted out of the store.

Joshua wailed about his balloon all the way home and only has quieted down about it in the last five minutes.

Matt should be home in about 30 minutes. I already told him it will be a revolving door as soon as he steps in this momma is stepping out. My only salvation tonight is plans to go to Archiver's to scrapbook (hence why I needed those stupid pictures in the first place).



The end.

For the sake of Heather....

Okay I got razzed last night by my friend for not updating my blog. So here's the update. Same shit....different day. :) How do you like that.

We spent the last month doing a lot of traveling. We spent a week in myrtle beach then we were home for 4 days and then we headed to Indiana to see my family for a week. We were definitely ready to be home. Traveling is great but not all bunched up like that. Joshua starts kindergarten in less than 2 weeks. How did he get so old on me. He's my baby. He has a big birthday party this weekend and apparently he only wants "brothers" there no "sisters". Ahh the joy of boys. I showed him what his cake was going to look like and he requested a different cake. I may strangle him before the end of the week. They are in summer camp this week, I've wasted every morning doing nothing. Today is the last day of summer camp. Next week I have a full week with the kids all to myself. It will be great. (insert sarcasm).

Oh and for the record, potty training still sucks. My daughter will be in diapers at college and if you are looking for a good stock tip, I recommend you purchase stock for Tide Laundry Detergent. We are definitely keeping them in business.

There it is, my not so exciting life on the spectrum.

Snack time drama

Okay here's today's challenge. Go out to the store and purchase your child's favorite treat, for example Simply Fruit fruit rollups (dye free in case any one is looking for dye free variety). Get home and listen to your child ask, plead beg, for fruit rollups for snack time. Now for the tricky part, open the fruit rollup and remove the sticky messy stuff from the plastic but whatever you do DO NOT TEAR IT. If you do plan on spending the next 30 minutes consoling your child and trying to convince them that the fruit rollup is not ruined. ;)
Other items this may apply to....never ever break a banana in half, if the popscicle breaks for get it it's ruined, Never cut up their pancakes or sandwiches, and be especially careful when taking granola bars out of their packages without breaking them. 

Today's Living Life on the Spectrum Moment was brought to you by Simply Fruit fruit rollups.

You can't scare me, I'm a mom.

You've seen the t-shirts, especially if you are on Triangle Mommies and let me tell you that is mostly true. As moms we take a stand and don't ever let the mama bear out of the cage that is just bad news on everyone's part. Moms aren't easily intimidated and we tend to know what's best for our kids. We pride ourselves on knowing what is best for our children.

But there is nothing like entering a room of "experts" that surround you and tell you what your child needs in a class room environment to make you second guess everything you thought you knew. If you don't have a child with an IEP consider yourself lucky. You don't have to put on the full set of armor every.single.day to fight for your child. Kindergarten is an exciting time for kids who are typical. First, you get to talk a lot about it and they will ask questions and will be very excited. You worry a little but in the end typical johnny will be just fine, kindergarten is a milestone.

For those with special needs kids, kindergarten is especially scary. It sets the tone for the rest of their academic careers. Will the teachers understand his needs and meet them. Does the school really care about what's best for your child?Will the kids notice all of his quirks and still like him or will he be "that" kid that they avoid. Will they actually follow what is written in the golden IEP. Joshua is going to have a hard transition and really struggle for several months as he learns a new routine. I want to go hold his hand and help him through it like only a mommy can but I have to let go.

His IEP meeting was on Tuesday. I've spent the last few days processing everything that happens. It really is amazing how intimidated they make you feel when you sit down. I had a friend with us who was our parent advocate (she did a great job) and his current therapists and 4 people who did not know him from his new school. 12 people in total.  There were several times during the meeting that we were shouting (not really but you felt like it) he needs more resource time and he can't be pulled out you have to go in the classroom and work with him. In the end we compromised and ended the meeting with the understanding that 4 weeks into school we will be meeting again to review his IEP. LIke I've told many, I don't feel victorious but I don't feel defeated either. All I can do now is rely on God and know that he has it all under control and just trust that as long as I'm in there advocating Joshua will be okay.

His school is year round and he was placed on track 2. This is good for him there will never be more than 3 weeks out from school so less likely that he will regress. He will start school on July 9.  He has three weeks left of preschool. After that we will have 7 weeks together before our world changes forever. How quickly it does pass.

Just stay positive :P

Well, I'm a little over a week away from Joshua's big IEP meeting. We are transitioning out of preschool services and jumping into Kindergarten. Yes, that is right my sweet little baby will be starting kindergarten this year. I'm torn between excitement and nausea. If I think about it too much I get overwhelmed with nausea. How is it possible it is time for this. First off when he was born I looked ahead and figured out when he would start Kindergarten and it was 2011 not 2010. I decided that he would be held back the first year because he would be one of the younger ones and I wanted him to be older and more mature. I still feel this way! However, because Joshua has autism and relies on services through Wake County I am being forced to put him in Kindergarten this year, otherwise, no services. So here I am preparing for the inevitable my big boy starting kindergarten. It's scary I won't lie to you. I don't know how I'm going to handle it.

But the first step is the big IEP meeting. Two important things are going to happen that day, one we are going to figure out all the services he will get. Secondly I will finally find out what track he has been assigned too. We have a lot of plans made for the summer. They are all set up so if we need to cancel we can but I really don't want to cancel any of them. I am way too excited about them. So I am hoping for track 4.

I have a friend who is going to the meeting with me to help advocate for Joshua. She recommended that I prepare a positive profile on Joshua outlining his strengths. If for no other reason but to remind me of everything positive about him during the meeting because being in these meetings where deficits and negative things are discussed it can really bring you down.

Sounds easy enough huh. Well, I'm struggling. Some of the things I think of don't really mean much in the educational aspect.

For example, He's great at giving hugs and he is so cute in the morning when he first wakes up and forgets that he prefers to annoy his sister and instead talks sweetly to her and shares and really takes on the nice big brother role. Later in the day, he remembers that torturing her is so much more fun. :)

He is adorable when he gets excited over something and starts flapping his hands. Which reminds me, I just ordered a shirt for him that says "I get flappy when I am happy" I can't wait for it to get here.

So here I am trying to htink of his positive things like problem solving and how well he does with puzzles. His pretend play is emerging, he was walking around some patches of dirt that matt recently spread grass seed on and I asked him what he was doing and he said he was "pretending to water the grass!" He is initiating more conversations with his peers and you can see in his eyes that he loves his friends and tries so hard. I'm actually going to have to rely on other poeple to actually  help me with this profile because they see things I don't. I'm not sure why but they do. I guess I'm so caught up in the day to day struggles and trying to get through the afternoons where being locked out of my house is just part of the routine. I have learned to carry my keys with me. So always seeing his strengths is difficult.

For now,  all I can do is my best and hopefully that will be enough for Joshua to succeed.