Monday, August 16, 2010

No one said it would hurt this much

When I got pregnant with Joshua we were ecstatic. We dreamed of all the happy days of playing and discovering and enjoying the spirit of a child.  Everybody told us how blessed we would feel and how much joy children bring. Nobody told us about the heartache and pain that comes with raising a child. I never knew I would worry this much. I've only had Joshua with me for 5 years and I can already tell that it won't matter if he's 5 or 85 the worry will never end.

He started kindergarten a few months ago. It started out well enough the first two weeks, he walked in no problems, no tears and no tantrums. I knew in my heart this would not last. Yet, I remained hopeful that everything I knew about my son changed. Unfortunately, my heart was right. Once he realized this whole school thing was ongoing the tantrums and fear took over. No longer were the morning drop offs easy. No longer did he walk in without a second glance. He refused to get out of the car and I had to start walking him in. I would get him to class and he would completely breakdown as I would leave. I could hear him screaming for me all the way down the hall. What's a mother to do except shed tears. Hearing the pain and fear in his voice and knowing that I had no choice but to walk away was excruciating. It doesn't matter that everyone assures me that he is okay within a few minutes and the rest of his day is good and his work is good and he participates. All I remember is those few minutes where he's pleading, screaming, crying for his mommy not to leave. I've been dealing with this for 3 weeks now and my heart breaks every single day. All I want to do is just take him in my arms and sit down with him and cry with him.

We signed him up for before school so he could go in about an hour early and play before class started. He cries when we drop him off but at least he's not breaking down in front of his entire class and when class is ready to begin he is adjusted and calm and walks from the gym to his class with no problems. The other positive is Matt takes him on the way into work. I know my heart can't handle hearing him cry every single day.

It has carried over to other parts of his life. Now when I go out occasionally in the evenings, which I have always done and it's just part of our family routine he has meltdowns because I'm leaving. One night Matt said he cried for over 20 minutes before he could get him to calm down. I try dropping him off at Sunday school, something he's always been accustomed to and he breaksdown as I leave.

I worked in his sunday school class room yesterday and I have never really watched him in a classroom setting because I don't want to disrupt his routine. The entire time I just watched him and analyzed everything he did. I noticed how quiet he was and I could see the uncertainty in his eyes. During part of the class there was a video where it encouraged participation like stand up and jump with us. At first Joshua stood up to participate and about half the class was participating and half stayed seated. He looked around and saw that some stayed seated and he sat back down again. I notice everything about his behavior and that is not a good thing. Maybe that's why I don't participate and volunteer in his class because by the time I leave my heart is in a million pieces again.

No one said it would be easy. But no one said parenthood would hurt this much.


  1. Wow, very well said. I totally feel your pain! I also have a 5yo with ASD who will be starting transition kindergarten in a few weeks. Hoping for the best but deep down expecting much of what your wrote. And you are right, never thought parenting would be so hard or so painful.

  2. I'm reading this at 12:30 at night and you are making me cry, lady. (((hugs))) The early morning thing sounds like a good solution, I am sorry it is so tough, though.

    I think Gwen would be the *exact* same way.